had i known how to save a life
by Laugh Like You Aren't Breaking
Summary: They said there was nothing he could've said or done. Except he knew he'd simply said too much.  Bade, Reck friendship  Rated T for character death and self-injury.


_Step one you say we need to talk  
>He walks you say sit down it's just a talk<br>He smiles politely back at you  
>You stare politely right on through<br>Some sort of window to your right  
>As he goes left and you stay right<br>Between the lines of fear and blame  
>You begin to wonder why you came<em>

* * *

><p>"Beck!" Robbie calls, hurrying to catch up as Beck walks swiftly away, trying to avoid him. "Seriously. I just want to talk to you."<p>

"What do you want?" Beck asks, turning around. Robbie smiles sadly at him. He looks as though he hasn't showered in days. His normally perfect hair is more of a mess than Sinjin's. But the worst thing was the dejected, heartbroken look in his eyes. "To tell me to get over it? To tell me she was just a high school girlfriend, that there's plenty of fish in the sea? Because there's not, Robbie. She was it for me. I loved her."

Robbie sighs. "I just need to talk to you," he says quietly. Beck rolls his eyes, following his best friend into the janitor's closet that he would bet she would've been in that moment, cutting up another one of the school's poor trash cans.

"Talk," Beck says harshly, nervously pulling at the promise necklace that hangs on his neck. Exactly like hers.

"Beck…" Robbie begins, not knowing where to start. Instead, he reaches for Beck's arm, yanking the long dark sleeve up to reveal a row of red lines, carved in the shape of _her_ name. Beck winces, pulling his sleeve back down. "Please."

"I wanted a way to remember her," he says defensively. Robbie jerks the other sleeve up, showing a neat row of line after line. Beck glares at him, pushing Robbie out of the way as he pulls open the door and tugs his sleeve down again. "This," he says, gesturing to the janitor's closet and his arms, "never happened."

As Beck slips out into the crowd of people flooding the halls of Hollywood Arts, Robbie sinks to the floor, his head in his hands. He doesn't know what to do anymore.

* * *

><p><em>Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend<br>Somewhere along in the bitterness  
>And I would have stayed up with you all night<br>Had I known how to save a life_

* * *

><p>Beck lowers the razor to his arm again that night, trying to ignore Robbie's words repeating in the back of his head. 5 little new scars, because 5 is her favorite number.<p>

He sits back, letting the pain overwhelm him as the tears come. Then he grabs the washcloth by his sink, trying not to cry more at the toothbrush that she left there, and the bra hanging on the door that he can't bear to take down and put away with all the other clothes she was always leaving there. He presses the washcloth to his wrist. Not tonight. Not yet.

He tumbles back into the main room of the RV once he's stopped the bleeding. Her picture's still sitting right where she'd put it when they started dating, "So all the skanks knew he was hers". He pauses before swinging out a hand to knock it down. He can't bear to see her smile anymore.

He collapses on the bed, tears threatening to spill over. It still smells like her, of vanilla and rose perfume that he knew she hated but wore because he loved it. He buries his head in the pillow, falling asleep to the memories of her whispers in his ear, but he can't help but think that the bed is too cold without her by his side.

* * *

><p><em>Let him know that you know best<em>  
><em>Cause after all you do know best<em>  
><em>Try to slip past his defense<em>  
><em>Without granting innocence<em>  
><em>Lay down a list of what is wrong<em>  
><em>The things you've told him all along<em>  
><em>And pray to God he hears you<em>  
><em>And pray to God he hears you<em>

* * *

><p>Robbie sees him trudge around the school. It's like she's the one holding the key to all Beck's happiness, and they're never going to get that key back.<p>

"Beck?" Robbie asks gently one day, watching Beck stand silently next to her locker, staring at it.

Beck turns, glaring at his best friend. "What do you want?" he asks. Robbie shrinks back.

"I-," he begins. "I miss you. You're my friend, and I miss you."

Beck chuckles humorlessly, glancing one last time at her locker before turning around. "I miss her," he tells Robbie. "Not that there's anything either of us can do about that."

Robbie grabs his arm. "Please don't do this to yourself, Beck," he begs. Beck purses his lips.

"It's already done," he says quietly, escaping Robbie's grasp. Robbie looks on after his friend, wondering where on Earth he went wrong.

* * *

><p><em>Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend<br>Somewhere along in the bitterness  
>And I would have stayed up with you all night<br>Had I known how to save a life  
><em>

* * *

><p>Robbie begs the rest of them to help Beck, but Cat smiles sadly at him and walks off, and he can tell that she's hurting too much. Andre's already moved on by just avoiding the subject, and pretty much the entire gang. Tori tries, but there's nothing she can do either.<p>

"He just sits in the RV, dejected. It's like he's not even Beck anymore," she says, troubled. A tear escapes Tori's eye as she walks off. "Robbie," she calls back for a moment. "For what it's worth, you're a great friend. Beck might not realize it, but someday he will. Just don't give up on him."

* * *

><p><em>As he begins to raise his voice<br>You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
>Drive until you lose the road<br>Or break with the ones you've followed  
>He will do one of two things<br>He will admit to everything  
>Or he'll say he's just not the same<br>And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

* * *

><p>"Robbie, just shut up and stop it!" Beck screams, throwing his fist against the wall as he slides down it, head in his hands. "I miss her, okay? It's not like anything you do or say is ever gonna change that. I love her. And nothing you say is gonna help me, so why the hell can't you just give up?"<p>

"Because you're hurting yourself, and she wouldn't want that!" Robbie insists, his voice low.

"She didn't want to _die_, either, did she now?" Beck shouts.

"We're your friends," Robbie says forcefully. "And we're telling you that you need to stop. Now."

"And if I don't?" Beck taunts.

Robbie pauses. "Then I guess you won't have many friends anymore, will you?" he asks.

"Then I guess this is goodbye," Beck tells Robbie. Robbie looks at him for a long moment, then starts out the door, not even looking back to see Beck fall apart.

* * *

><p><em>Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend<em>  
><em>Somewhere along in the bitterness<em>  
><em>And I would have stayed up with you all night<em>  
><em>Had I known how to save a life<em>

* * *

><p>Beck takes out the bottle shakily, even though he knows his decision is already made. He puts the razor to his wrist one last time, so the lines total 39, the number of days that he's been missing her. And then he's done.<p>

"I'll be with you soon, Jade," he says, tossing a handful of pills in his mouth as he buries his last salty tears in the pillow.

* * *

><p><em>Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend<br>Somewhere along in the bitterness  
>And I would have stayed up with you all night<br>Had I known how to save a life  
>How to save a life<em>

* * *

><p>They find him the next morning. Robbie is the one to find him, clutching the picture of Jade like his life depended on it. Robbie had come back to apologize for his words the previous night, except it'd been too late. He'd already been gone.<p>

_Suicide_. That's what they called it. Robbie knew better, that it was really all just a broken heart. Shattered, even. They called it depression. Robbie knew it was love.

They said there was nothing Robbie could've said or done. Robbie knew that he hadn't been there, that he'd simply said too much.


End file.
